The Hard Times of Bonnie

Where do I even begin with this subject?

I guess I should start off by saying, Bonnie has a really hard life.  She gets to live in a 1 bedroom apartment rent free, collect our laundry quarters to do laundry or go gambling, lounge around outside everyday or sit around watching TV, take her dog for walks, and deposit our rent checks each month.  Yes Bonnie has a really hard life.  I should know, I live next door to her and can hear her complaining about stuff daily; especially, when I'm trying to go to the bathroom.  (One time when my friend was using my bathroom she had to listen to Bonnie yell to herself, "OH GAWD MY FOOT! WHY DON'T I JUST KILL MYSELF NOW!"  It took her longer than 5 minutes to pee because she was too  scared Bonnie would hear her.)

Last week the most horrible thing happened to Bonnie.  Brace yourself cause this is seriously the most horrible/depressing thing you will read on this blog...

The tree in front of my apartment was finally cut down because of the beetle disease.

Now that you have had a moment of grievance let me give you a little bit of background on this:

Last summer my neighbor told Bonnie the tree needed to be cut down because it was becoming a fire hazard, being her usual self she claimed the tree was fine cause it still had green on the top.  Sick and tired of her bullshit my neighbor called the fire department and had them come out and inspect the tree. Well they did and I got the pleasure of being woken up the following morning with her walking back and forth outside my bedroom window saying to herself, "I'm going to talk to Michael.  I don't believe that fire marshall. I'm going to talk Michael.  I'm going to talk to Michael."

So finally the tree was getting cut down.  Over the weekend she kept asking everyone in the complex if they were going to be around to witness the horrible murder of the tree that's been at the complex for 60 years (Bonnie's claim, not mine).

When I got home from school this is what was left of the tree

 And boy did I get an earful from Bonnie saying, "Isn't it horrible?  You have no more privacy.  Aren't you upset?"  I wanted to say, "What privacy? I'm pretty sure the neighbors in the back can see me walk around my bedroom naked." But I just shrugged and watched my neighbor and his kids enjoy the new change while Bonnie complained to anyone who would listen.  That's one of the big issues with her, she has a hard time accepting change especially, when it comes to renting to new tenants.

Recently we got two new tenants: a college girl and a guy, whose a janitor at the college I go to.  Lately Bonnie has been gossiping to 1 of her very few friends (the prostitute who use to live here) about how the girl doesn't pick up after her puppy (what she really means is, the girl won't fall for her tricks and pick up after her dog Daisy) and that the girl's boyfriend is over all the time and is using all the water and electricity that she pays for; which is funny considering I keep getting electric bills from the city each month.  The only bills I have yet to receive is for water, sewer, and garbage.  Bonnie though, she likes to think of herself as the most generous landlord you will ever meet, and damnit you better believe it!

Bonnie is nice and generous...some of the time.  When I was without a car for a while she would ask me if I needed to be taken to the grocery store.  And I would have said yes had my neighbors not warned me to never go shopping with her, EVER!  They told me it will be worse experience of my life and my friend, who I mentioned above agrees.  She use to work in the deli at one of the stores in the city I live in and when she saw Bonnie one day she hid in the back and had one of her coworkers deal with her, who normally gets along with every customer he encounters, but Bonnie, she was the first he truly disliked and didn't want to ever see with again.

Yes, Bonnie truly does have a hard life.  No responsibility, free rent and laundry, and have people do whatever she wants, with the threat of eviction.  She's living the up the American Dream.



Until next time, be grateful for the landlord you have.

Landlord Drinking Game!

If you have a obnoxious landlord like mine you have 2 options: 1) Immediately start looking for a new place or 2) Make a drinking game.

Here are rules to my landlord drinking game

1) Says "Where's my dog?" -- Take a shot

2) Complains about something -- 2 Shots

3) Anytime Bonnie calls and yells at you -- 2 Drinks (If she calls in the morning) 1 Drink (If she calls after 12pm)

4) Starts to sing -- 1 Drink

5) Says she's about to die -- 3 Shots

6) Get woken up by her or her dog -- 2 Drinks 

7) Says you owe her money -- 3 Drinks

8) Says any of her porno phrases -- 2 Shots

9) If you can hear her from a distance -- 3 Shots

10) Anytime her dog barks -- Oh hell, just drink the damn bottle

What are you landlord drinking game rules? 

Please comment below.

My Landlord Could Be In Porn

Bonnie could be in porn.  I don't mean she should be filmed having sex because that might cause temporary blindness to whom ever watched.  What I mean is she has the perfect "porno voice."  Every time she is outside she says her four favorite words:

--Oh Yeah

--Oh Baby

--Oh Gawd

--Phew, I'm exhausted

Now that the idea has come to me, that she has the voice of a porn star, I can't stop thinking about it.  Every time she pops out one of her four favorite porno phrases, the unbidden image of her, legs spread, back arched floats up from the dark recesses of my mind.  Believe me, I DO NOT want to be thinking this.  I've tried blaring music, watching a movie on high volume, and even going into my bedroom.  But nothing works.  Her voice is literally that loud.  Thankfully, she doesn't have a boyfriend because...I don't even want to think about it, cause the dirty images are starting to come up again.  I need to go take a shower.

My Landlord

Who is my landlord?

Photo from Jim Barry's Woodworkerswoodshop.com

Unfortunately, I won't be posting my landlord's name to protect her identity, so I'll call her "Bonnie."

Bonnie is a mid-seventy-year-old Jewish woman.  When I first met her I thought she was a sweet old woman, boy was I wrong!  After moving in I was getting call after call from Bonnie over stupid stuff.  One call was to yell at me for digging up the dead rose bush in front of my apartment without her permission and claimed it bloomed ever September.  The rose bush was literally dead with a few red petals on it.  It wasn't until I started talking to my neighbors and got the rental agreement did I learn how crazy Bonnie is.

Rental Agreement:

LOITERING AND PLAY: Lounging, playing, or unnecessary loitering in the common areas in such a way as to interfere with the free use and enjoyment, passage or convenience of another RESIDENT is prohibited.  *I should note that it's okay for Bonnie to lounge in the parking lot but if anyone else does she threatens to kick you out.

 NOISE: RESIDENT agrees not to cause of allow any noise or activity on the premises which might disturb the peace and quiet of another RESIDENT. (Rule doesn't apply to Bonnie, who screams at her dog and talks loudly all the time.)

ALTERATIONS: RESIDENT shall not paint, wallpaper, alter or redecorate, change or install locks, install antennae or other equipment, screws, fastening devices excessively large nails, or adhesive materials, place signs, displays or other exhibits, on or in any portion of the premises without the written consent of the OWNER/AGENT. (I quickly broke the redecorate rule).

THE TRASH BIN: (This isn't in the Rental Agreement just something Bonnie made up) The trash bin always has to be relocked after using it.


Why do I stay?

It's hard to find a 1 bedroom hardwood floor apartment under $700, close to school, and allows pets. And after a while you learn to deal with Bonnie's rants and the shit she says by not being at your apartment for most of the day especially, once it starts getting warmer.  For me, I spend time at friend's houses, take my dog to the dog park, or hang out down by the creek.  When I come home it's between 4 - 6pm since that's usually the time Bonnie is taking a bath with her dog and she won't be back out for a while.  And eventually she hardly pays attention to you.


Stay tuned for more about my crazy landlord...