Landlord Drinking Game!

If you have a obnoxious landlord like mine you have 2 options: 1) Immediately start looking for a new place or 2) Make a drinking game.

Here are rules to my landlord drinking game

1) Says "Where's my dog?" -- Take a shot

2) Complains about something -- 2 Shots

3) Anytime Bonnie calls and yells at you -- 2 Drinks (If she calls in the morning) 1 Drink (If she calls after 12pm)

4) Starts to sing -- 1 Drink

5) Says she's about to die -- 3 Shots

6) Get woken up by her or her dog -- 2 Drinks 

7) Says you owe her money -- 3 Drinks

8) Says any of her porno phrases -- 2 Shots

9) If you can hear her from a distance -- 3 Shots

10) Anytime her dog barks -- Oh hell, just drink the damn bottle

What are you landlord drinking game rules? 

Please comment below.

My Landlord Could Be In Porn

Bonnie could be in porn.  I don't mean she should be filmed having sex because that might cause temporary blindness to whom ever watched.  What I mean is she has the perfect "porno voice."  Every time she is outside she says her four favorite words:

--Oh Yeah

--Oh Baby

--Oh Gawd

--Phew, I'm exhausted

Now that the idea has come to me, that she has the voice of a porn star, I can't stop thinking about it.  Every time she pops out one of her four favorite porno phrases, the unbidden image of her, legs spread, back arched floats up from the dark recesses of my mind.  Believe me, I DO NOT want to be thinking this.  I've tried blaring music, watching a movie on high volume, and even going into my bedroom.  But nothing works.  Her voice is literally that loud.  Thankfully, she doesn't have a boyfriend because...I don't even want to think about it, cause the dirty images are starting to come up again.  I need to go take a shower.

My Landlord

Who is my landlord?

Photo from Jim Barry's Woodworkerswoodshop.com

Unfortunately, I won't be posting my landlord's name to protect her identity, so I'll call her "Bonnie."

Bonnie is a mid-seventy-year-old Jewish woman.  When I first met her I thought she was a sweet old woman, boy was I wrong!  After moving in I was getting call after call from Bonnie over stupid stuff.  One call was to yell at me for digging up the dead rose bush in front of my apartment without her permission and claimed it bloomed ever September.  The rose bush was literally dead with a few red petals on it.  It wasn't until I started talking to my neighbors and got the rental agreement did I learn how crazy Bonnie is.

Rental Agreement:

LOITERING AND PLAY: Lounging, playing, or unnecessary loitering in the common areas in such a way as to interfere with the free use and enjoyment, passage or convenience of another RESIDENT is prohibited.  *I should note that it's okay for Bonnie to lounge in the parking lot but if anyone else does she threatens to kick you out.

 NOISE: RESIDENT agrees not to cause of allow any noise or activity on the premises which might disturb the peace and quiet of another RESIDENT. (Rule doesn't apply to Bonnie, who screams at her dog and talks loudly all the time.)

ALTERATIONS: RESIDENT shall not paint, wallpaper, alter or redecorate, change or install locks, install antennae or other equipment, screws, fastening devices excessively large nails, or adhesive materials, place signs, displays or other exhibits, on or in any portion of the premises without the written consent of the OWNER/AGENT. (I quickly broke the redecorate rule).

THE TRASH BIN: (This isn't in the Rental Agreement just something Bonnie made up) The trash bin always has to be relocked after using it.


Why do I stay?

It's hard to find a 1 bedroom hardwood floor apartment under $700, close to school, and allows pets. And after a while you learn to deal with Bonnie's rants and the shit she says by not being at your apartment for most of the day especially, once it starts getting warmer.  For me, I spend time at friend's houses, take my dog to the dog park, or hang out down by the creek.  When I come home it's between 4 - 6pm since that's usually the time Bonnie is taking a bath with her dog and she won't be back out for a while.  And eventually she hardly pays attention to you.


Stay tuned for more about my crazy landlord...